Am I a failure?

Hi there

If you are reading this that means I have thrown caution to the wind and decided to post this stream of unconsciousness. My life has fallen apart, quite literally, and it was out of my control; to the best of my knowledge.

The end of my last post had a list of silver linings, one of which mentioned that I had bought a house with the person I loved. Unfortunately, that love is gone and I am left without a place to call home, my parents house doesn't feel like home to me anymore because Gloucestershire has become my home. I set up roots here and I intend to keep them firmly planted in Cotswold soil, so I haven't let this defeat me.

Losing the person you imagined spending the rest of your life with is possibly the most painful, soul-destroying feeling. It is all consuming and will swallow you whole if you let it. I will not let it.
This does not by any means suggest that I didn't love my ex, I loved him with my whole being and I would have lived a happy life with him by my side, but would we have been truly happy? Probably not, all things considered, if one person has doubts, cracks will begin to form in your periphery and the pain will only be delayed and stronger.

So how have I handled this situation, have I done it wrong, have I failed? Am I a failure for immediately running home to my parents and having to leave my job? Am I a failure for not hurling abuse at him for the hurt and upheaval he has caused me? Am I a failure because I haven't let my heart shatter and keep me in bed crying for days on end? Am I a failure because I couldn't hold someone's affection, even after we decided to buy a house together? Am I a failure because I let my relationship fail, all the while being blissfully unaware there was a problem?
Am I a failure?

I don't think I have failed but maybe I have, maybe I should be crying more, I am crying now in a Starbucks in the middle of Cheltenham as I write this. Maybe I should have known that he didn't love me anymore. What if I could see the relationship breaking down, would it have been easier to handle, rather than being blind-sided.

I can't live a happy life if I dwell on these 'what if's and 'maybe's. I can only focus on the closing of a four and a half year chapter in my life and the start of a new one. I never want to have that relationship back, it meant everything to me but it has run it's course and now is the time to forget it and move on. This isn't easy but it's reality, I am very private about my emotions; a trait I think I inherited from my Granddad, I bottle things up and focus on rationalising a problem.

Hence my first response to this situation was to call my best friend and suggest we move in together in Cheltenham somewhere and immediately sit on my spare room floor sobbing and looking at flats online. Once my Dad arrived to help get me home I just packed up my clothes and left the house, I didn't cry when I drove home, but I didn't listen to music just in case it set me off. When I got to my parents house I unpacked some of my stuff, sat down at the kitchen table with my Mum and cried again until I was out of tears. Then I went about my life as if it was a normal visit, only I was single so I called my best friend and set up profiles on two dating apps. I cut the cord completely with my ex because I felt I had nothing left to salvage and I didn't want to salvage it anymore, not after I saw him look me in the eyes and show no signs of fight or need for there to be a way to fix us.
The next day I went to London with my Sister and saw MAX, I was completely distracted from the pain as I danced and sang along to my favourite songs and just forgot for a few hours that my heart was aching.
I carried on like this for a couple of days, until I got sick, my body started to have a physical reaction to the stress I was internalising to protect my heart from any more pain. I have been sick for over a week and I can barely hear because my ears have been badly affected by this cold and flu. I have spent a lot of time sleeping and laying in bed, that or I am on the phone to my best friend laughing and trying to help her through her recent break up; I suppose it helped me forget my pain if I felt I was helping someone else with theirs.

Then came today; I had an interview not far from my old home so I stopped there first to get changed and have my lunch. I unlocked the door and walked in and I felt like I was walking around a stranger's home. There was new furniture and it just smelled like him and I broke down. I had my 'crying on the kitchen floor' moment. I had to pick myself up and brush myself off though, I had a job interview in a couple of hours and I needed to give 110%. So I did.
Then my SatNav couldn't find the place I was supposed to interview at so I was 30 minutes late arriving. I gave my all in that interview and it proved to be more than enough; I was offered the job on the spot. I left with my head held high and drove to Cheltenham.

So here I am, sat in a Starbucks waiting for my best friend to finish work and I am crying. I am in  mourning for the love I had and the person who always held my hand and told me I was wonderful, the only person I wanted to congratulate me who can't anymore.

Am I a failure because I am crying in a Starbucks when I should be celebrating a successful interview?

It is gloomy and dark outside, I am looking out the window at the street below me watching people run for cover from the rain and it feels an awful lot like pathetic fallacy. I feel like a Dickensian scorned lover, a Miss Havisham to be precise. Unlike Miss Havisham, I won't feel like this for long, I know that some day some how I will be blissfully and sickeningly in love again, but for now I am hurting.
I am hopeful and optimistic for what is to come and I am looking forward to all that life throws at me and I am resoundingly okay with not being okay for a while.

I don't know if anyone would even want to read this post, I just wanted to offload some stuff and clear my head. I guess I hope people can find comfort in the fact that life has handed me a lemon and I am choosing to make a giant fucking lemon meringue pie with it.

That's all for now folks...
Charley x